Golfgrín á sunnudegi 2017 (2)

Hér er einn á ensku sem nefnist: „A Politician dies and has to spend one day in hell.“

A politician ends up standing in front of the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his books and finds his name.

„So you´re a politician ….„

„Well yes. Is that a problem?„

„Oh no, no problem. But we´ve recently adopted a system for people in your line of work and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that, however, you´re free to choose where you want to spend eternity.“

„Wait. I have to spend a day in Hell!?“ says the politician.

„Those are the rules,“ replies St. Peter, clicks his fingers and WOOMPH, the guy disappears. He awakes curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he´s in Hell. Cautiously he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimestone, and finds …. Nothing. Just the smell, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can´t be right?

„Open your eyes“ says a voice. „C´mon. Wakey. Wakey. We´ve only got 24 hrs!“

Nervously he uncovers his eyes, looks around and sees that he´s in a hotel room.  „Wait this is a penthouse suite…. And there is a man in a suit, holding a martini.  Who are you?“ the politician asks.

„Well, I´m Satan,“ says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. „Welcome to Hell.“

„Wait this is Hell? But…. Where is all the pain and suffering?“ he asks.

Satan throws him a wink. „Oh, we´ve been a bit misinterpreted over the years. It´s a long story. Anyway this is your room. The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there´s extra towels next to the hot tub and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this. It´s a beautiful day and if you´d care to look outside…„

Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings the man wanders over to the wall to ceiling windows though which he sees a group of people cheering and waving at him in front of a golfcourse.

„It´s one of 5 pro level courses on site and there´s another 6 just a few minutes drive out past beach and harbour!“ says Satan answering his unasked question.

So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out he sees the group on the golfcourse is made up of everyone of his old friends, people he´s admired for years but never met or worked with and people who´s work he´s admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife with a massive smile and a body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes his worst enemy arrives as a 2 foot gobblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life, laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him.

Later they return to the hotel, have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked. As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging bread sticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear …. As they return to the penthouse suite and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After hours of passion, the man falls into the 100% Egyptian Cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep… and is woken up by St. Peter.

„So that was Hell. Wasn´t what you were expecting , I bet?“„No Sir“ says the man. „So then“ says St.Peter. „You can make your choice. It´s Hell which you saw, or Heaven which has Choral singing , talking to God, white robes, a.s.o.„

„Well I know this sounds strange, but on balance I think I´d prefer Hell,“ says the politician. „Not a problem. We totally understand! Enjoy!“ says St. Peter and clicks his fingers again.

The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burned in a sulpherous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. „What is this??“ he cries. „Where´s the hotel??“ „Where is my wife??“ „Where´s the minibar, the golfcourses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine?„

„Ah“ says Satan. „You see, yesterday we were campaigning. But today you voted.“