Golfgrín á laugardegi 2017 (5)

Hér koma 10 golfbrandarar; flestir gamlir en góðir og verða þeir að þessu sinni bara birtir á ensku, þar sem suma er erfitt að þýða:

Nr. 1

A golfer had made an awful shot and tore up a large piece of turf. He picked it up and, looking about, said, „What shall I do with this?“
„If I were you,“ said the caddie, „I’d take it home to practice on.“

Nr. 2
Mr. Nicklaus, „Your name is synonymous with golf-You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?“
Jack’s response? „The holes are numbered!“

Nr. 3

What do golf and sex have in common? They’re two things that you can enjoy even if you are lousy at both of them.

Nr. 4

Golfer: I’ve never played this poorly before.
Caddy: You’ve played before?

Nr. 5

Golfer: This is my first time playing golf. When do I use my putter?
Caddy: Some time before dark, I hope.

Nr. 6

„I don’t know about that new pro,“ said Dave. „He may be a little strange.“
„Why do you think that?“ asked Clyde.
„He just tried to correct my stance again.“
„So?“ said Clyde. „He’s just trying to help your game.“
„Yeah, I know,“ said Dave, „but I was standing at the urinal at the time.“

Nr. 7

Manager: „I’m sorry, Sir, we have no times open on the course today.
Golfer: „Wait a minute. What if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I’m sure you’d find a starting time for them.“
Manager: „Of course we would, sir.“
Golfer: „Well, I happen to know they’re not coming, so we’ll take their time.“

Nr. 8

I’m hitting the woods just great, but I’m having a terrible time getting out of them. A husband and wife are out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path and her golf bag and looks at her and says, „I’m Mother Nature, and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.“ The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, „Hey, where’s your ball?“ „It’s over here in the pussy willows.“ The wife screams back, „DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!!“

Nr. 9

A man steps up for a tee shot with a row of trees and out of bounds on the right side. He slices it wildly and it heads off in the direction of the trees. He reloads and forgets about the ball. About 15 minutes later a highway patrolman approaches him. „This your ball?“ asks the policeman. „Yes, I think it is.“
„Well,“ says the officer, „it went over the trees and through the window of a house. It hit a cat and the cat ran out the front door. A school bus was driving by at the time and the driver, while trying to miss the cat, hit a tree. The bus exploded in flames, and there were no survivors.“
„Gee, I’m sorry.“ said the golfer.“Is there anything I can do?“ The policeman replied, „Well, you might try keeping your left arm a little straighter and start your downswing with your hips.“

Nr. 10

A man goes to church to confess his sins. „Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.“ „What is your sin, my son?“ the Priest asks back. „Well“, the man starts, „I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible.“ „When did you use this awful language?“ asks the priest. „I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.“ „Is that when you swore?“ „No, Father,“ says the man. „After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.“ „Is THAT when you swore?“ asks the Father again. „Well, no.“says the man. „You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!“ „Is THAT when you swore?“ asks the amazed Priest. „No, not yet,“ the man replies.“As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And, as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.“ „Did you swear THEN?“ asks the now impatient Priest. „No, because as the ball fell, it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.“ The Priest sighs and says, „You missed the putt, didn’t you?“